Ah, Elden Ring. The game that made me question my life choices more than my last tax return. 🤔 Here I am in 2026, still trying to "git gud," and the sheer number of ways I can be brutally murdered by a boss, only to then turn around and whack them with something shiny, is frankly overwhelming. I used to think having a nice sword was enough. Oh, how naive I was. The Lands Between aren't just a map; they're a glorified, deadly shopping mall for murder implements.

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Let's start with the sheer, unadulterated scale of this arsenal. The base game alone, the one that broke my spirit for the first hundred hours, houses a staggering 311 weapons. That's not a collection; that's a hoarding problem disguised as gameplay. I've met fewer people in my lifetime than there are weapons in this game. And let's be real, I won't use most of them. My build is as specialized as a surgeon's scalpel, but it's nice to know that if I ever want to suddenly become a master of the... checks notes... Ripple Blade, the option is theoretically there, buried under a pile of corpses somewhere.

The Breakdown is Bonkers:

Weapon Category My Feeling Number in Base Game
Straight Swords 🗡️ Reliable, like a good toaster. 22 (The most!)
Ballistas 💥 Where are they?! I need more boom! 2 (The least!)
Ranged Weapons 🏹 For when melee feels too personal. A paltry 55
Shields 🛡️ For blocking, or fashion? Mostly fashion. 78 (including 6 torches 🔦... wait, what?)

The straight sword users are living the high life with 22 choices. Meanwhile, the aspiring ballista enthusiasts (all three of them) have to share the two existing models. It's a tough economy out here.

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Just when I thought I had a handle on things, along came the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC like a friend who shows up to your small dinner party with 103 extra guests. Suddenly, my total weapon count ballooned to a mind-boggling 414. My inventory screen weeps. The DLC didn't just add more of the same; it invented whole new ways to fail in style. We got eight brand-new weapon types, bringing the grand total of categories to a cool 40. My character isn't a Tarnished; they're a walking armory with commitment issues.

The DLC's New Toy Box:

  • Beast Claws 🐾: For when you want to roleplay as the thing that's been eating you.

  • Hand-to-Hand Arts 👊: Finally, I can punch a dragon. This will go well.

  • Throwing Blades 🎯: Spoiler: There's only one. The pressure is real.

  • Backhand Blades ⚔️: For a truly sassy fighting style.

  • Perfume Bottles 💅: Because nothing says "deadly warrior" like smelling fabulous.

  • Light Greatswords ⚖️: Greatswords, but make them fast. I'm suspicious.

  • Great Katanas 🗾: Because regular katanas weren't weeb enough.

  • Thrusting Shields 🛡️➡️: The ultimate "talk to the hand" technology.

The new categories are a hilarious mix of practicality and pure madness. The Throwing Blades category is the loneliest club in the Lands Between, with only the Smithscript Dagger holding down the fort. Imagine dedicating a whole weapon type to one item. That's like opening a museum for a single, slightly interesting rock.

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Conversely, the Perfume Bottles are the popular kids, with a whopping five variations. That's right, you can now choose your preferred scent of demise:

  1. from-311-to-414-my-hilarious-odyssey-through-elden-ring-s-weapon-collection-image-3 Firespark - For a smoky, campfire vibe.

  2. from-311-to-414-my-hilarious-odyssey-through-elden-ring-s-weapon-collection-image-4 Chilling - A crisp, winterfresh attack.

  3. from-311-to-414-my-hilarious-odyssey-through-elden-ring-s-weapon-collection-image-5 Frenzyflame - When you want to smell like pure, unadulterated madness.

  4. from-311-to-414-my-hilarious-odyssey-through-elden-ring-s-weapon-collection-image-6 Lightning - A shocking, ozone-filled experience.

  5. from-311-to-414-my-hilarious-odyssey-through-elden-ring-s-weapon-collection-image-7 Deadly Poison - The classic scent of betrayal.

It's a bizarre and wonderful expansion of the game's identity. From the lonely Smithscript Dagger to the aromatic arsenal of perfume, the game insists there's a tool for every fantasy, no matter how niche. I'll probably still just spam the same heavy attack with my trusty (boring) greatsword, but it's the thought that counts. The true endgame isn't beating the final boss; it's trying to figure out where to store 414 different reasons for your enemies to hate you. My journey continues, one wildly impractical weapon at a time. Wish me luck—I'm off to try and parry with a perfume bottle. This cannot possibly go wrong. 💀